I Did Something Right

I had a rough day coming off a hard week. I screwed up multiple times. I missed good teaching opportunities. I was impatient. I missed out on connection. I resorted to lazy parenting with the most basic strategies of bribes and lame threats.

But I did some things right. I made a healthy-ish lunch and had a plan for dinner.  I finished the week of school.  I made doctor and vision appointments.  I kept trying.

And I did one thing really well.  We were at the doctor for one girl, who was scared, with the two others, who were slightly giddy that we weren't there for them. The two were wiggly and chatty, suddenly happy to get the doctor's attention.  The other had all four limbs wrapped around my body and would only speak by whispering in my ear.

I was able to successfully activate the two sisters' compassion and redirect their behavior to reflect how they would want to be treated. Win!

The one being seen said she was scared. Great words! Let's talk about the worst thing that could happen. What's the big scary thing? She said she just wanted to be happy to hear that the test results were negative. Well, of course! It would be easy to be happy about that.  But that is not the only way we can be happy. We can choose our happy, even when we have to hunt a little bit. How could we be happy if the test is positive? She managed with minimal help to come up with five things! Victory!

The day was a mixed bag. But in order to get out of bed the next day, we need to take the wins and celebrate them.  We need evidence that we can do this well. So, we learn from the mistakes and dump 'em. And we celebrate the victories for what they are. Yay!

Driving

My adult daughter was in the car with me and mentioned how I point at semi-trucks whenever we get close to one. (I point at them to tell them to stay put.) She said they aren't targeting me; I don't need to drive like everyone is aiming at me. By the way, getting life advice from our young adult children is the best!

The idea shocked me. I don't often feel like all the cars are gunning for mine.  Actually, it's quite the opposite. I feel invisible. I am scared I will get into an accident because someone didn't see me and just tried to be in my space.  

Is this a deeper thing?  Are there people who don't worry about getting into accidents?  It's actually been something that threatens phobia-level fear at different times in my life.  There are seasons when I am a comfortable, confident driver.  Seasons when I have less access to a car, I become timid. The sense that the other drivers won't see me grows, and driving is an exhausting activity.

Even when I am feeling confident, I still point at trucks. I figure they need a little extra help.

Trauma Triggers

Sometimes I believe my own hurts are well in my past, and that I have captured all the thoughts and submitted them all to the Lord.  I think the triggers have no power, because I see how the Lord has redeemed the terrible things (or trust that He will), and I am healed from the base-brain trauma responses that used to cripple me.  The PTSD is gone.

I believe all this with a measure of realism. I don't think that I am Mighty Mouse or anything. I know I am not invincible.  I know it is the Holy Spirit doing the work.  I know bad or hard things can (will) still happen in the future.  I even know that when a memory emerges, I will have feelings about it.  But I have tools and support and know what to do.  I won't drown. 

And then...

I watch one of my girls behave out of the box and I realize all the hurt they carry each day without words to explain.  I ache for them.  I feel protective. Someone hurt my baby.  I feel angry. I feel the loss that I wasn't there to protect her, to prevent it. I hate that I may never know exactly what happened.  All these things feel normal and right. It is reasonable to respond with these thoughts and feelings when someone we love is hurting.

But there is something more.  Something I can't quite put my finger on, and it's shaking me. It is blessedly unfamiliar enough that I can't understand why I feel like I just need to sit down, put something down that I didn't know I was carrying, or loosen my clothes so I can take a full breath. With a frustratingly slow dawning, I realize what it is. My own trauma. Once it clicks, the memories come so quickly that the chronology is a mess.

I need to be healed AGAIN.  I need to be restored AGAIN.  I need to get my feet firmly planted on the Rock Who never moves AGAIN. I know I will. I know He will. It will be ok.

And I thank God for it all. I don't love the ride, but I hear the whisper of the still, small Voice telling me that He is bigger, stronger, and ready for it all.  He is not surprised.  Not by the wave of memories and feelings, nor by the ugliness of what happened. Being reminded so viscerally of the trauma gives me the opportunity to feel just as concretely the goodness of Jesus. And THAT gives me the focus and assurance to look my girls in their big, beautiful eyes and tell them firmly that it will be ok.

Homeschooling Schedule

I have the privilege of being a new homeschooler and veteran homeschooler at the same time.  I started homeschooling a few weeks after my second baby was born so that my 2.5-year-old would have dedicated time with me.  We kept going until that baby graduated high school.  Through those years we moved twice, changed churches a few times, and lived several different lifestyles.  I founded and ran a homeschooling group with friends.  We did tours and playdates.  I wrote entire programs for us to carry out in co-op-style classes.  I also counseled new homeschoolers, getting them set up to school their kids successfully from home. Throughout all that, we had different children in our home because I was either homeschooling or nannying them.  

I've got some experience! But, true to the assertion that there are as many ways to homeschool as there are families, this is new and different.  Schooling three kids specifically NOT from the beginning with more special needs than my first crew and in relative isolation is different. So, true to form, I am learning as I go.

I recently changed our homeschooling schedule because I was really overtaxing all of us by trying to do a little bit of everything each day.  I thought the consistency and small bites would provide routine so that growth would be steady and the predictability would give the kids a sense of safety and ownership of their days.  It's a good thought worth its place, but it was time to wriggle things around.

So now I have staggered days. On Mondays and Wednesdays, we do core work using Sonlight curriculum. That is Bible, Social Studies/History, Literature, and Science.  I use the four-day schedule, so we double up and still complete a week's worth of work in a week.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we do extracurricular activities like Spanish, Piano, and Recorder.  Fridays are special because my husband is home every other week, so we go on outings with him.  When he is at work, we do arts, cooking, and messy science projects.  Each day we do Movement, Reading, Writing, and Math.  We also do a preschool-style circle time each day with things like prayer, calendar, weather, and Bible verses and stories.

So far, it's working out pretty well.  I might flip-flop the pairs of days because I chose hefty work on the days we are committed to Choir and AWANA.  But I'm going to wait.  Because the change is about looking at the week as a whole, I'm giving myself a solid month to adjust.

Our daily routine still exists regarding blocks of time.  I am eager to see how the opened space allows for more connection and breathing room.  

Wednesdays and "Blended" Families

I changed up my homeschooling schedule to find a routine that is less taxing on all of us.  Today is Wednesday, and that means a Sonlight day in the morning and AWANA at night.  Also, my adult daughter comes for dinner on Wednesdays, which shoots Wednesdays as one of our favorites of the week. 

We often have a more substantial meal (read: I actually plan and execute one). The girls go to AWANA and either my grown kids head downstairs to hang out together, or they join my husband and me for some visiting time.  After the girls get home and go to bed, we might watch a movie or play a game.

Blending families is something our culture is practicing these days to do well for the sake of the kids. That phrase usually refers to families on a second (or more) marriage.  Ours feels like a blended family for different reasons, but we still make a special effort to honor the myriad relationships in this group of seven. One of those ways is to have some four-adult time after the girls go to sleep.

Before the girls joined us, we were a tight family with a unique personality.  It is this quality that I thought made us a good candidate to welcome littles into our family.  I think it is imperative to preserve something of that quality so that we still have that special thing to offer the girls.  

Of course, just as important, we have to shift and adjust to being a unified family of seven, where each person contributes their own tweaks and quirks to become a blended... beast? that represents all of us.

Anyhow, these Wednesday nights are a blessing for us to be four.  My kids giggle and jab at each other.  We watch shows that aren't wholly appropriate for kids. We allow for our relationships to evolve--since our kids aren't kids any more. We remember. We share. We plan. We be. 

Word of the Year

 I seem to be in the traditions zone right now.  We have chosen to begin several years with a focus on a single word. There is a Bible plan on the Bible App called One Word That Will Change Your Life and we use that to help us with the process.  Last year our family word was Attachment and it served us well.  It helped recenter us when we got dysregulated and helped us choose what to focus on when we got overwhelmed.

This year our family word is Unity.  It is a nice cousin to Attachment, but a step up and we are ready!  My husband’s word is Focus and my word is Discipline. Hello!  Here we go!