You Can Say No, But...

When you go through the foster licensing process, there is a special form you have to fill in. It is just a long, long, long checklist of diagnoses and descriptions. You have to say yes or no to each on that list.  My husband and I have filled it in three separate times. 

It is a little like a game. We sit staring at one another as the social worker reads each item on the list. The game is trying to answer the same as your partner.  Not really, our rule is that if one says no, then the answer is no, but still. 

It isn't actually a game, but trying to be playful takes the ick off the process. It feels so wrong rejecting unknown kids based on the things that oughtn't define them. At the same time, it is an important step in the process. First, it compels careful consideration (Accidental alliteration! score!) by the prospective family. You have to talk about what you're willing and able to do. 

When we lived in a teeny apartment, a wheelchair was not an option, so we needed to say no. My husband and I have taken ASL classes and love the language, so we said yes to children who were deaf or hard of hearing. We had two aging dogs, so cruelty to animals was a no-go for us. ADHD and dyslexia are in the water we drink, so those were easy yeses for us, too. If you don't think you can do it, you should say no, because these kids coming from hard places need to be welcomed.

So, you do the icky list. It's rough, but get through it and take it seriously (while you're having fun) and say your no. It matters...until it doesn't.

Yep, that's the catch. Just like with biological kids, there is a lot out of our control with foster and adopted kids. Life happens. And people living in dinky apartments sometimes end up needing to use wheelchairs.

We made our list this time around, too. There are things we said no to that are now part of our lives. The difference is that we aren't talking about abstract experiences or diagnoses. They are our little girls and there is no backing out now--and we wouldn't dream of it.

Language

For the past couple of days, my seven-year-old has been given instructions that she hasn’t followed.  I know, blow me down!  A kid didn’t obey?  Whodathunk.  What is remarkable is that when asked what instructions had been given to her, she answered with a poorly paraphrased answer.  We would reiterate the directions, and she would quickly adjust her behavior.

After seeing this a few times, I wondered if her brain is interpreting so quickly that she doesn’t have time to process the precise words people say.  So, we played a game to test my theory!

I went around the breakfast table, saying four words at a time for each kid.  On the second loop around, each kid had to say the same words back. 

I gave my three-year-old associated words coupled with sign language and she did nicely. 

For my nine-year-old, I started easy, but she asked for more difficult words.  By the last round, she couldn’t remember her words and said, “I think you need to bring it down a notch!”  She cracked up the whole table with that line.

I worked hard to stump my 25-year-old and could not. My husband joined us for the last round and I couldn’t stop laughing at the words I selected.  I got him on ‘read,’ because he said the baby’s word instead: ‘room.’

As for the seven-year-old, I tried different tactics to see if I could replicate what I was seeing.  I used synonyms, words associated with a theme, and unrelated words. Each round after the first, she kept trying the word ‘smile.’  A few times she tried words that had been given to another player.  I did notice that she never repeated the words in order.  There was always one word that seemed to capture her.

When the game was finished, I talked it over with my 25-year-old son, we were thinking ‘smile’ had been used in the first round.  I looked at all the notecards and was surprised to see that I had never given ‘smile’!  But I did give her ‘happy’ and a sister ‘laugh.’  She did it!  She interpreted the words in the same way we’d seen her do before.  So cool! 

My husband asked, “So, how are you going to teach to that?”  Hmmm…  That’s the rub.

By the way, this was fun!  I recommend pulling this activity out next time you are looking for something around a meal or when you need to wait quietly somewhere.  Everyone was engaged, and there were a lot of laughs.