Secrets vs Surprises vs Privacy

These are words we continue to define and refine for our kids as they grow.  We started this when our first kids were young to help protect and arm them against predators.  It’s been useful over the years.

Secrets are a no-go in our family.  Surprises, on the other hand, are fun things to share.  The difference is that a secret would make someone sad to hear and there is no planned time to tell someone. A non-scary example could be breaking or stealing something and wanting to stay out of trouble. Surprises have a reveal date and the person out of the loop will be happy to know. Gifts and parties are good examples. People often use the terms interchangeably, so we drill the definitions so that our kids know what is being asked of them. 

Privacy refers to things that belong to us and we choose to whom we reveal them based on our comfort and reason. Examples are body parts and embarrassing stories.

There are things about my kids’ histories I wish I knew.  I am jealous to have not been there to share the mundane every day of their first years.  Other things are not so good.  Slowly, they reveal story by story as they feel safe—and as their own minds bring them to the surface.

One reason I began blogging was to give a peek into the life of raising adopted kids.  There is so much I never knew.  I want to help adoptive families and people who love adopted families by shining a loving light on what is going on.  But we do have these words. Private. Surprise. Secret.

Another Fun Attachment Activity

We are always looking for fun ways to attach and build a family identity.  After reading The Connected Parent and Understanding Attachment Injuries, we started a year-long activity of writing down memories on strips of paper and adding them to a vase.  We were supposed to go through them on New Year’s Eve, but I forgot! So, we are pulling a few every dinner time.

In truth, we started the tradition before I read the books because the girls had a difficult time remembering things.  The books underscored the importance of establishing a way to recall activities and events to strengthen memory skills in kids who may have subconsciously trained themselves not to remember events.  This tradition also helps highlight the wonderful family we are building together.  

The phrase ‘the days are long, but the years are short’ is so true when the days are filled with the tedium and hard work of creating healthy routines and rhythms.  The good can be easily forgotten amid late-stage potty training, sleepless nights, tantrums, and math drills. 

But there is so much good!  Reading the memories aloud and looking around the table as eyes widen in joy is rewarding!  Voices rise as the memory unfolds and details spill out.  There is a double blessing when we do this: we are creating yet another memory. It’s about family members looking into one another’s eyes, cooperating to complete the minutiae of the memory, and making nearly tangible warmth.  This tradition is a keeper!

An unexpected bonus is to my own mental health.  I need to fill that vase, so I am compelled to live with a mindset that rises above those tedious or exhausting days.  While the day trips to the zoo or science museum are included, so are the little moments of playing Uno together, snuggling up to watch TV, and the nightly bedtime routine.  These are special moments that define our family, and it is good for me to remember that.

Word of the Year

 I seem to be in the traditions zone right now.  We have chosen to begin several years with a focus on a single word. There is a Bible plan on the Bible App called One Word That Will Change Your Life and we use that to help us with the process.  Last year our family word was Attachment and it served us well.  It helped recenter us when we got dysregulated and helped us choose what to focus on when we got overwhelmed.

This year our family word is Unity.  It is a nice cousin to Attachment, but a step up and we are ready!  My husband’s word is Focus and my word is Discipline. Hello!  Here we go!

Vacation and Happy New Year!

 After weeks of sick, holidays, and re-establishing the back-to-life routine, I am back! We had a wonderful Christmas.  I had nearly forgotten that last Christmas, we decided to do gifts in stages to prevent the kids from becoming overwhelmed.  My nine-year-old reminded me on Christmas Eve, and I am so thankful!

We did our tradition of opening family pjs on Christmas Eve. Our adult daughter spent the night, and we had a smashing Christmas breakfast of French toast and sausage.  Then we opened two or three gifts at a time, taking breaks to read the Christmas story, play with new toys, snuggle, play games, and relax.  It was marvelous.

Our first week back to school was about the amount of work we thought it would be.  That said, there were fewer tears and meltdowns than before the break, so that is a win.

The big news is that we got a van!  Now our whole family can go somewhere in one car.  AND!  I can get involved with other homeschoolers during the day. Do you know what that means?  We are gonna have friends!  Woo-hooo!  We've already joined a choir, and I am so excited!

Light looking

Another tradition for memory making is done—but not for good.  We will do that a few more times before the year ends.  The other day, we had some friends over and walked our two neighborhood streets that go all out with holiday lights. After bundling them up we gave each kid a candy cane and a cup of cocoa.

The streets are about ten short blocks away, and there are plenty of decorated houses along the route, so we made short work of it.  The kids spontaneously broke into carols with their sweet soprano voices on our trek.  They gasped and squealed with delight at the beautiful colors.

I love light-lookin’! The crazed blurry photo captures it all.

Tree lighting

Oh, what a night! We went to our community’s tree-lighting event the other night.  Whenever our whole family of seven is together it is an extraordinary gift to me.  It happens at least once a week, but each time feels like we are actively creating our own ‘good old days.’

This was one of those times, magnified. We wandered around the area and got photos in front of the tree before the lighting.  The sunset was stunning and made for beautiful pictures. 

Then we found a restaurant that would seat seven without reservations. We never take the kids to restaurants, and we did it without prepping them at all.  We were begging for chaos!

But it went marvelously!  The girls behaved so well and waited patiently for their food.  We finished in time to get back to the square for the lighting.  We danced and took more photos as we waited.

After the lighting, we pivoted 180 degrees to watch the fireworks. My first daughter is not a fan of fireworks because the noise bothers her.  We discovered that fireworks without mountains and canyons have no reverberation, and are far less uncomfortable. Yay for the flatlands! But she has compassion for the baby who didn’t love the sounds, making a great partner for her.

As I stood there watching the fireworks with my nine-year-old on my shoulders, I looked at my son. I was overcome with gratitude for the moment, I just shouted thanks to our Lord whose love is so extravagant.  He is just as extravagant with His love and goodness when things are horrible, and loss is shredding our hearts.  I know this full well.  But I am no less grateful for the moments when everything is just right.  This night was just right.

The Gift Conundrum

We use Amazon… liberally.  I use the subscribe and save, my oldest daughter uses the music stations to teach dance, three of us read using the Kindle app, and we take advantage of the rapid shipping. My husband and I used to do Christmas shopping on Amazon and would get a kid to open the package if we were expecting things from one another.  Suddenly the oldest two grew up and got jobs and money and started using Amazon, too!! It was not a problem until Christmas came around.

To fix the problem, we invented a tradition.  We simply wrapped EVERY Amazon box that arrived after December 1.  Yep, I do use the subscription service for toiletries and household items.  That means under our tree were paper towels, dishwasher detergent, and feminine hygiene products.  There were no names on these gifts, so we took turns opening gifts randomly on Christmas morning.  When a gift was unwrapped, the giver would claim and assign it to the intended recipient.  When a big brother opened his little sister’s first menstrual cup, he had another opportunity to become the best-husband-in-the-making.  We’ve done it for a few years, and it made for a morning of fun and giggles. We even had a few gift-wrapping parties with invited friends to add to the Christmas festivities.

Last year, my husband said he didn’t want to do it anymore.  He missed watching people open his gifts.  So we aren’t doing it.  We have no plan in place for the boxes that are coming to the house, and let me tell you, folks, it's pandemonium over here.  I’ve already opened the gift to me from my darling husband.  And there is a box sitting in the entryway right now with something from me to him, from him to the littles, and I think from him to me.  What are we gonna do now?

Advent Traditions

Happy Advent, all!

I love this time of year and am excited that we have more kids with whom we share traditions.  How do you spend this month?  We have a few traditions that are special to our family.  Some traditions come from my childhood or my husband's. Some we created with our adult kids when they were young. And we are making new traditions now!

New and Old Memories:

Last year was our first Christmas with the girls and I’d read some good tips about blending families and honoring traditions.  We asked the girls about any activities they could remember doing with their first family that we could repeat.  They remember ‘light lookin’ so that was easy.  They jump in with two feet to our activities and love being part of them.

Stories:

Tabitha’s Travels is one in a trio of books about kids spending the month before Jesus’ birth in Bethlehem.  They have adventures and meet Jesus.  We read this each evening. We tried Jotham’s Journey last year, but they weren’t ready to sit for that long.

Decorations:

We have a Christmas tree in the living room and the basement by our school area.  We have nativity scenes all over the house. My husband has a little Christmas village to which he adds every year. We have a new mistletoe bell in the entryway, so kisses and giggles are flying about.  I love the decorations, and we keep them up until the 6^th of January.

Christmas “Light Lookin’”:

This is a favorite every year, but now we live in a neighborhood with two separate streets that go all out.  Instead of driving, we bundle up, bring hot cocoa, and walk around to take in the sights. I truly love this time and we do it more than once. When we get to include neighbors and friends, all the better!

Movies:

We have a long list of movies we enjoy this month.  Top of the list are The Star, The First Noel (with Andy Griffith), and Why Do We Call It Christmas with Buck Denver.  We also enjoy While You Were Sleeping, The Santa Clause Movies, The Polar Express, Jim Carrey’s Grinch, and Noelle.

Advent Calendars:

My oldest daughter got me a great one a few years ago with drawers.  I put a strip of paper with a Bible verse in each. I used to add a Kiss to each, but now we do M&Ms or Skittles so there are enough for each little mouth.  We also have a paper chain with verses from our church this year, so we will see how to incorporate that into our routines.

Christmas Eve PJs:

Everyone gets to open one gift on Christmas Eve that just happens to be PJs. Then we all wake up wearing photo-ready pajamas for gift opening!  Pretty smart!

Santa Game:

We tell our children that Santa is a game families play to show love. It is not our place to tell any other child about the Santa game!  This is drilled in pretty firmly, let me tell you! 

We don’t play the game to the degree of saying Santa is real.  We want them to believe us in everything, so way back with our first two kids, we decided it would be a game born from the historical figure who gave gifts.  And play we do!  Stockings are stuffed and someone gets to be Santa on Christmas morning to hand out gifts from under the tree.

Crafts:

We make ornaments, Nativity games, graham cracker houses, and any other craft I can think of.

Quiet:

Along with all the activity, we protect quiet moments with no agenda. Time to snuggle, read books, listen to music, and talk is important all year round.  We discovered that it is imperative around holidays. This is a time for memories, some not so pleasant.  My adult children carry grief from losing loved ones this time of year. My young children carry grief from losing nearly everything and everyone they knew before us. Last year they also had some unexpected traumatic triggers.  Thankfully we had made room for everyone to feel what they needed to feel and process what came up in safety.  I feel even more prepared this year, though I’m probably not!

Those are the highlights. I would love to hear about your traditions!